


It's killing me

by NeonFrog



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Karamel - Implied, Sanvers - Implied, SuperCat feelings implied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-20 15:10:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16139846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonFrog/pseuds/NeonFrog
Summary: Kara and Maggie speak after 2x15Kara and J'onn speak (Chapter 2)Kara and James speak & Kara get a new job (chapter 3)Kara and Alex speak in chapter 4Kara and Winn speak in chapter 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just felt like writing this stuff. I don't know where I'm going with this.

The bar is noisy. The waitress is playing the same old game, trying to get money out of Brian. The jukebox isn't loud enough to cover the sound of the arcade machine. The crowd chatter creates a comforting murmur.

The glass in her hand is straining, threatening to crack. She release it, a little clink as the still-full glass hit the counter. A deep breath to calm herself. It only inflates the size of the knot in her stomach. Her fist clench, hard enough to kill.

"Hey." The familiar sound of the woman's voice is enough. Enough of something to focus on, rather than drift aimlessly on her own fury.

"Hey." Her fist opens, slow and straining against itself. Her body turn toward the voice, the hand reach out.

It's awkward. She didn't mean to greet her with a handshake, it's not really a greeting anyway.  She just needs to _touch_ something, to remind herself something _else_ is real.

"Are you okay, Kara ?" the woman's hands are cold, it's not what she want, not what she needs.

She makes it worse, pulling back her hand too quickly, frowning at her own ineptitude. "No."

"You want to grab a booth and talk to me ?" The woman's expression twist with worry, though she wonder if it's worry for her, her sister or herself. "Or do you want me to leave you alone?"

Her mouth opens, not a sound escape. She slide off of her stool, both feet hit the ground, the crowd is quieter but the arcade is louder. After an eternity or a minute, it's hard to tell, the smell of the dumpster overwhelms her sense.

"Hey, so you want to tell me why you're running away? I can leave, this is more your place than mine anyway." The woman's already tired of trying to keep up with her.

The sounds are far enough now, her thoughts are slowly seeping back into her mind. "No, it's better here. Too loud inside." she brings her hands over her ear. Maybe her mind will clear faster if the sound feels more distant.

She's met with a quiet stare. The woman's fingers dig inside of her leather jacket and pull a cellphone. "No."

The woman stops herself from pressing the speed dial. "Okay. You're worrying me Kara." 

"Please, I don't want to talk to Alex. I don't want to see her." She let her hand drop from her ear, a sigh of relief from them both. "It's a lot."

"Yeah, if you're referring to the past few days. I agree." the woman set the phone into her pocket. "It's a lot."

It's quiet now, the sound don't seem to jump around the lead lining in the frame of her glasses. "Can we go somewhere it's going to stay quiet? Like a park?"

"Most park are closed at this hour, Kara." The woman admonishes, kindly.

"Oh of course, _now_ you're back to caring about the rules." She turns on her heels and walk away.

The woman catch up with her. "And what is that supposed to mean ?"

"I think it's pretty clear." The knot unties and the anger is free to rise.

"No, it's not.You look pretty spaced out." She stops and turn around, the woman collide with her. "Ow."

"It's supposed to mean that there are rules and that you're all pretty _fucking_ selective about who has to follow them." The cursing surprise them both. "You bitch about me all the time, about how what I do causes problems, about how there's legitimate ways to bring justice and safety."

"I never said anything like that to you."

"Really? _That's_ the technicality you're going with? Because you know I can hear through walls and I know you say these things to her."

"I... okay. Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

"I lost my job because I can't use the fact that I _know_ what happened and who did it as a source without revealing the DEO. I got told that I wasn't _her_ family because I had doubts about that asshole." a light tap of her palm against the building is enough to have the woman step away from her. "I stop a deportation of over a hundred people, I warn thousands of others so they can keep their guard up and I lose my job because of a _fucking_ technicality in my contract." She close her eyes and remove her glass. "And I get it, I understand what happened. It's a sacrifice I have to make to keep my secret."

The woman is tense, the look in her eyes speak of fear mostly. "Okay, I get that. Can you try not to hit things?"

She nods once, she looks at her reflection in the nearest puddle and takes a deep breath. It doesn't help. "But you tell me we should follow rules? She literally was ready to help a bunch of terrorists and got caught doing it. She went rogue and with your help, assaulted a duly appointed servant of the law. Risked her life, caused about two million in property damage."

"That officer was a Cadmus agent" The woman raise her shoulder, hesitant. "and if she hadn't done that, you would never had known the location."

"That's not the point. I'm not crying over his broken nose. I'm saying you helped assault a cop. You're facing _no consequences_." She roll her eyes. "The DEO detected the launch and I was already on my way even _before_ that. Because, in spite of what everyone seem to think of me. I'm actually a pretty _fucking_ good reporter and I know who to ask information from. If she hadn't rushed in and destroyed half the building, I might have been able to stop the ship from leaving ground and we might even have been able to catch everyone."

"Ah, so you want to do what, ask the DEO to give you your job back?"

"RIght now I'm just really angry that rules only seem to apply to other people when it's convenient. I just wanted to have a chat without getting sensory overload, but then your rubbed salt in the wound. So sorry I snapped. Have a good night."

"Kara. I'm sorry. You're right."

"I know." dejected, exhausted; she turns the corner, disappearing into the night sky a moment later.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Dad & Space daughter share a moment

The Department of Extranormal Operations hides in plain sight.  The city base is at the edge of National City's business district, several landmark obscured by the surrounding buildings. She feels a sense of dread settling in her stomach as the window opens, her landing is as heavy as her heart. A fist bump with Winn later, she leans against the command table, scouring it for potential tasks to occupy her time. "Of course it's going to be a quiet day."

"You're not usually here this early. Done with your reporting assignments for the week then?" He pat her on the shoulder, she _feels_ it. It's more like what she needs than the cold, awkward handshake from last night.

"Yep." It's too short an answer to be a lie really. "Think we could spar?"

"I need you rested in case something else happens." He says, softer than she'd come to expect it. Still, the weight of disappointment slumps her shoulders low enough that her hands leave the edge of the command table. 

"Of course." She leaves, going to the hologram room.

"Alex is --" she interrupts him, anger and annoyance in response.

"I don't care." He blinks once, the words strikes him strangely.

"Agent Schott, Run me a scan on Red K." It gets done in under ten minutes, a woman joins the command table as he watches the results compile on one of the screens. Nothing, not a single fleck of red kryptonite on the scans so far.

"If I may sir, I think maybe the sparring request was something of an excuse." A hint of exasperation maybe.

"I'll give it a shot, Agent Vasquez, keep an eye on the scans while I investigate."

He finds her speaking to the hologram, the words are in Kryptonese. He recognize the language, he recognize the meaning.

"Dovrrosh Iahron, zha fahtul." She speaks to the hologram, the words twisted with the lack of practice. An angry sight, a careless swipe of her arm to shut the hologram off. 

"ewhor khahp" He speaks, letting the door close behind him.   


"Dovrrosh Iahron, je zha ukiem." tears in her eyes, her shoulder slump but her fist clench again. 

"You know that's not true." He switches back to english the moment he understand the meaning behind the words. 

"I don't know anything anymore. I'm so angry I can't see straight." she brings her fingers to the side of her forehead. "And _everything_ is making it worse." 

"Is there any way I can make it easier on you?" He lays a hand on her shoulder, the knot in her stomach tighten harder, he can feel the tension and remove his touch

"I don't know if you'd want to, I don't know if you can." she shake her head. "I'm really angry about Jeremiah." there's a lot more words to it, but they won't all come out. "I don't know why you let him back in, I don't know why you let _her_ back in."

"I make mistakes too, Kara. I was happy to see an old friend too, I thought it wasn't my place to stop a man reuniting with his daughters." the weight behind those words is beyond what most could understand. "I realized I made a mistake with him and I didn't want that mistake to hurt your sister." 

She goes quiet, her gaze falls from his face. "Sometimes I forget just how much you lost too. Sometimes I wish you and I were closer." 

"You have a strange way to ask for that. Sparring?" He teases, wanting to shed the tension. 

"I'm getting very upset, it's hard for me to focus. It felt like a safe way to vent." she only look at the floor. "I feel selfish."

"I don't think it's selfish to be angry when you get hurt." 

"It feels like it, It feels like I'm more angry at the fact that _she_ still has her job when I lost mine. I'm angry that you got _her_ out of trouble but you act like this is a job I'm paid for. That you'll let Maggie just walk in here, but I have to attend boring meetings when me and Mike get a little closer." She unclench her fist. "It feels like the rules are here for me, but not for _her_. It feels like my anger is all about me me me."

"You lost your job? Why?"

"Because I can't cite the DEO as a source, I couldn't publish the warning on a CatCo media. I put it on my blog and I got fired for it. It breached my contract." He nod once, a simple response.

"Sometimes it's okay for you to get a little selfish, jealous and envious. Sometimes, the anger you have in you is a defense, a warning sign. It can empower you, fuel you." he rest his hand on her shoulder again. "You know that already, as much as I do. I won't let it burn you, just like you didn't let it burn me."

An image flash in her mind, a white martian with a knife at her throat. "nahkluv ukr" the words in her native tongue again.

"nahkluv inah" he welcomes her in a warm embrace.


	3. Chapter 3

Red boots hits the roof of the familiar building, her eyes roam his face, a distant fondness in her heart. "Thanks for answering my call, Mr Olsen." her gaze go past the man and through the building, watching the familiar people. 

"Of course, Supergirl. What can I do for you?" His smooth voice weighed down with sadness.

"My exclusivity with CatCo ended when Kara got fired." the words are heavy, the pretense is tiring, but she can hear people trying to listen in. "But I wanted to offer you my apologies for... well, for everything. Before it gets too awkward to find an excuse to meet." she almost ramble on, but succeed in remaining quiet. "I drifted away from too many people."

"I'll have no end of shit to give to Snapper for that, don't you worry." he sounds weary just speaking of the idea. "I appreciate the apology, but I'd like an explanation too eventually."

"And explanation for what part ? Because, honestly, I don't understand how or why I did what I did with you. I just know that it hurt you and I regret that more than anything else between us."

"Still think we can be friends?"

"I hope so" Her smile is more an answer than her words. Her next step takes her closer to the edge and she leaves the solid ground.

"Think you could deliver something to Miss Danvers?" he extend a letter he get from his shirt's pocket.

"What is it ?" she picks it up from him.

"It's a recommendation letter from me and Miss Grant. She said something about diving when we spoke." He speaks a little louder so the wind doesn't cover his voice.

"Wow, I'm sure Miss Danvers will make good use of this. Thank you James." She return to the sky.

 

* * *

 

_**A few days later** _

* * *

 

 

"So, why should the National City Daily add Kara Danvers to its pool of reporter?" The man ask, it sound more genuine than the nine other times she's heard it in the past few days.

"Because I have contacts no one else does, I'm still friends with James Olsen at CatCo. Because my recommendation letters are from both him and Cat Grant."  Locking eyes with the man who could become her editor, she slide the unopened letters across the desk. "I come with the exclusivity of Supergirl, I have easy access to Lena Luthor. I think you can see why that would be interesting to have." She would feel bad using her connection with Lena like this, if it wasn't Lena herself who made her think to use them like this. "With a bit of work, I can get information from the FBI and the MIlitary, nothing classified mind you, but I know people."

The man smiles once, reading over the letters. "So, I'm not going to lie, Miss Danvers.  I spoke with my colleague at the Gazette this morning, and they told me not to expect a lot out of this interview. I know for a fact that they would've jumped at the opportunity to make just one of those contact easier to get."

"The men in the Gazette's hiring panel kept staring at my chest and didn't listen to half my responses, you've looked me in the eyes and you've spoken to me like I might be an interesting candidate instead of a burden. So I decided to take the job." No lie, she feels a little dizzy being this bold. Maybe it's Cat Grant telling her to dive, maybe it's Lena telling her to be merciless. 

The man laugh and extend his hand over the desk. "It's easy to tell Cat Grant rubbed off on you." well that just conjured a much different kind of thought, she shake it off. "I think we have ourselves a new reporter here at the NC Daily."

 "Thank you, Mister Jameson. I'm looking forward to working with you." she shake his hand, sign the papers and ask a few question of her own. "When do you need me to start ?"   
  
"Whenever you've completed the social media training and the IT guy manage to do the set up for the new desk." 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex come to visit Kara at her new job.

The door to the office says "Kara Danvers: Reporter" in black bold letters, the window is obscured with thick, opaque blind. There's a slight draft brushing at the bottom of the door, windows are opened inside.

The secretary has a box of donuts on her desk, a pink post-it note with Kara's handwriting on it: "For u ~ ♥ :)". The woman press the call button on her work phone. "Miss Danvers, the FBI agent you were expecting is here already. Will you need a refill on your coffee?" the call ends quickly. "Of course, thank you Miss Danvers." the woman looks at the guest. "Go in!"

Behind the door, the blonde reporter is sorting through a pile of paper, the phone lies on the floor just out of reach, apparently abandoned to its fate. Pink and black seem the order of the office and of Kara's outfit today.

Alex comes through the door and lock the door behind her, maybe it's a reflex, maybe it's planning for something.

"You know I can just leave anyway, right ?" It's the first thing she's said to her sister since the spaceship touched down on earth. "What can I do for you Agent Danvers ?" It's dry and sarcastic almost, not the usual flavor for the normally sweet and bubbly woman.

"I don't know, grow a pair and talk to me instead of just disappearing out of thin air?" It's acidic, tired and angry.  It's everything Alex. 

"I was at your job six time yesterday, I've been running around town trying to find a job for a few days." she makes counting gesture on her finger. "I was at CatCo like, Monday? I didn't vanish out of thin air."

Her sister stares, the response aggravating in the worst ways.

"What, what do I have to say to you? Didn't Maggie give you the run down ? Or J'onn ?" She set the papers into the first drawer. "Hell, I'm sure you tried to get to CatCo before coming here, so James didn't either ?" 

"Maggie told me you said fuck a few times and didn't tell me anything beside to go speak with you and J'onn is being an obstinate hardass about everything." A shrug follows "James just told me you found a job at the NC daily then kicked me out."

Kara blinks once, it's an air of surprise written all over her face. "Huh..."

"So, what's it about Kara ?"

"Well, in a way I'm glad they didn't tell you." Kara goes closer to one of the windows, peering down at the street below.

She drag her fingers down her face, tugging her lips down comically almost. "Just spit it out, Kara."

"I forgave you hunting me down like I was some kind of monster for J'onn, I forgave you lying to me for years." she drop the glasses on the window's edge. "I forgave you killing my last living family." she turn around, red and angry yet still whispering.  "Because you were my sister, because you were my home!" just as Alex is about to speak "But then you try to help Cadmus, you wanted to go with them just for the chance to get Jeremiah, you wanted to play along with people who tried to _genocide_ every alien out of the city."

"He's our dad!" she pleads

"He's _your_ dad, you picked his side over me. You picked the side of someone who wants to kill people like me and you told me I wasn't part of your family when I expressed my worry for it. I'm done forgiving your bullshit for free."

Alex's anger is still all over the agent's face, but there's shock there too. She walks up to the window and stare down at the street now too. "Kara, that's not what was on my mind when I got tricked, when I chased after him, I never wanted to join Cadmus, I wanted to get him out of it. He helped me try to stop the launch, which you caused, by the way."

"Even if it's true, and I don't believe a word of it, I was on my way there on my own before the launch got detected by the DEO. I found the place on my own and if you hadn't forced their hand, the ship might never have left ground." Kara remain stone-faced. "You changed nothing with your stupid stunt. For all we know, you could've helped Jeremiah escape again."

"How can you believe that?"

"I don't and that's not the point. You did something stupid and reckless after you broke our trust." she whisper harshly. "And yet, you still have everything, like nothing happened, like it's a tiny oops we're supposed to forgive. Well maybe other people can forgive you that easily, but I can't." She looks at Alex now "I've had this pain in my chest since that evening, each time I breathe I feel how angry I am."

"I never should have said that." Alex concede and she sit on the edge of her sister's desk. "The only thing I wanted, _the only thing_ , was to have my father back. That's all. I was so sure you'd be happy to get him back, Kara, with all of what you've lost, I wasn't just doing it for me, I know how much you've lost. What I've said about you being part of the family, I... I never should've said that."

"The worst part is that I wasn't even that angry about it then. It's when he stole the registry, that's... that's when he stopped being my father.  But then you chased after him anyway." Kara close her eyes. "That's what made me mad."

Silence follows, it's quiet as the situation slowly simmer down from the harsh whispers of a secret-laden fight.

Alex's anger is fading, her thoughts, her feelings split between what she understand from her sister and what transpired with Jeremiah. "Kara, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I know this is not what you want to hear." She takes a deep breath "But I need time to make sense of what you told me."

Kara is finally breathing without the sting of her fury knotting her stomach, she scoff a little bit and turn toward her desk.

"Before I go, I just want to tell you, I'm proud of you for getting this spiffy new job and a bit of a confidence boost." 

"Thanks, It means a lot. Say hi to Maggie for me."

Alex nods and leaves the office in a hurry.

Her secretary comes into the office. "Are you okay, Miss Danvers ?" 

"I'm feeling much better, Agnes, thank you."


	5. Chapter 5

She knocks on the door, It's hesitant a bit.

"One moment!" he calls, the music dims and a few moments later, the light is clicked on and the door opens.

"Hi!" The blonde smiles and waves, it's a little awkward for a moment. "I felt like I should drop by."

"Ok, sure." He's hesitant, it's been a while. "I was just gaming a bit." he thumbs toward his couch setup, letting her in.

"I won't stay long if you don't want me to." she steps in, but remains close to the door. "I just wanted to speak with you a bit."

"Okay, what's going on?" he ask, as always a little too worried for the situation, he leans against the wall not going further into his apartment yet.

"Winn, I know Alex probably was an ass for a few days." He roll his eyes, quietly confirming. "And I feel like I need to apologize for a lot of things to you."

"For what ?"

"For letting it get to a point between us where you aren't happy letting me in." She speaks softly. "I was kind of an hypocrite with the Guardian thing. I tried to justify my reaction to it for months now and it always felt kind of hollow. Yeah, I was worried about James and you, but I don't think I showed it the right way."

He take a deep breath and smile a little bit, it's a little less awkward now "Thanks for apologizing, it's nice."

"Why was Alex an ass?"

"I got really angry after I got fired from CatCo and I ... just couldn't deal with her for a while. Because of the whole Jeremiah thing." She leans against the frame of the door. "She tried to shout at me at my new job and I kind of spilled everything out."

"Yeah, having an massive dick as a dad can be rough." He nods with understanding. "I heard from J'onn that you got fired, where do you work now?"

"National City Daily, it's a subsidiary from the Daily Planet." She's proud "It's nice, I already got my own office and assistant."

"Wow,  James told me he gave that Snapper guy a talking to. He said sales already dropped." He push himself from the wall and walks to the couch, inviting her in further. "How do you deal with the Supergirl stuff?"

"Coming in with Lena Luthor and Supergirl as exclusives contacts? That comes with a bit of leeway. Plus I did get a bit of paperwork done at the DEO to excuse myself from work for emergency." She takes a seat on the arm of the couch.

"Was that why Pam was grumpy recently?"

"No, she's grumpy because she thinks you're the one stealing from her lunch."

"I don't ?"

"She keeps checking the video feeds and sees nothing and think you hack the cantina's cam to hide your crime."

Winn frowns "I am almost sure it's you stealing from her lunch, but I didn't hack the cam."

"It's not me! I mean, I know why you'd think that, but it's not me." they both laugh a bit. "Well, that's a mystery we need to investigate."

 


End file.
